21

My incredibly talented and thoughtful friend Annika drew me this card for my birthday! <3

On Wednesday, I turned 21. Usually, I hate my birthday. It is a day I dread. I dread it because it means I am getting older. I dread it because it’s another birthday I have to spend without loved ones that are no longer with me. I dread it because its when I start reflecting on the past year and what is to come. I dread it because of all the overwhelming emotions that come up around it. But this is a birthday I will never forget. It has been my most special birthday. I have never felt more loved. I am so loved. 

It is so easy to forget how loved you are. I will be crying forever at the thoughtfulness and the sweetness of every single person in my life. I truly am so grateful to be able to experience the relationships that I have with my family and my friends. 

I did not feel dread on my birthday this year. Did I feel dread on the days leading up to it? Undoubtedly so. But when your roommates wake you up with breakfast in bed (even though one of them does not wake up that early) and who make sure you are having the best day. And when you have friends that bake you the most beautiful cake, write you the most thoughtful letters, that take the time out of their day to see you and spend time with you, and just being surrounded by the people you love, there is absolutely no room for dread. I was so loved on my birthday and on the days surrounding (and every day) that I didn't even have time to feel bad. To be able to spend time with those I love this week has been more healing than anything in the world. Life is so precious and fragile and unexpected that when you have time to take it all in, it's worth it. No matter how overwhelming it may be. Because sometimes it feels like it's too much to bear. But you will never be alone. No matter how lonely you feel. 

It is a surreal and hard and scary (but IMPORTANT) thing to allow yourself to feel the love that's given to you. There were so many moments where I couldn’t help but to cry because how did I get so lucky? To be given the most loving, supportive, generous, kind, funny family. To have friends that would move mountains and stars for you (it’s mutual). To be surrounded by so many beautiful, loving, unique, creative souls. My brain finds it hard to comprehend all of the love in the world. My heart feels every beat of it, love welcomes you with open arms. You just have to walk right into those arms. It’s hard, but you just need to feel it sometimes. As much as you possibly can. 

Because love is what moves me. Love runs through my veins and I want to spread it as much as I possibly can, whether it's conscious or unconscious. Love is so healing. Love is all around you. Love is you. Love is me. Love is what we have together. Love is what makes us different. Love is knowing each other. Love is intense. Love is forgiving. Love is overwhelming. Love is gentle. Love is getting to know yourself. Love is listening. Love is patience with yourself and others. Love is freeing. Love rules all.