I made this website on an impulse. I worked on it for hours a day when I first started it. This lasted for maybe a week. My work ethic slowly declining each day. It became really frustrating for me. I love to be creative, I thrive on it. I try and grasp every second I have the energy and mindset to be creative, because it doesn't last forever.

It has been a month since I last worked on this blog. It’s not that I don’t want to, because I really want to. It’s that I can’t bring myself to do it. I think that’s what frustrates me the most. That inside I really want to do something, to go through with it and complete it, but I don’t have the energy or I don’t have the mindset to do it.

My whole life I have never really stuck with one thing. Sports, activities, hobbies, favorite colors, interests, etc. For basically all of those, that is completely normal. You’re a kid, you’re growing up and trying new things. You do that your whole life (people tend to forget that). I just could not pick one thing, I couldn’t find something that made me think, “This. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t want to go a day without it.” I just want to find that one thing. To take it, and to run with it. Far away to somewhere I can keep it safe, where nobody can take it away from me.

I seriously don’t know where I am going with this I am really all over the place and rambling to the point where I don’t even follow what I am saying. I had a point when I first started writing, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe that’s a good thing? I tend to get upset when I lose track of my thoughts and my focus, but maybe I should stop doing that. Omg jdlaksjlfjlksdjgjasdlkfsjdflsdfljkllkajlljgdlfjls.

Okay I seriously need to stop.

Going to go take a break.

Something about creating something, and seeing it through, it is one of my favorite feelings in the world. Looking at the end piece and knowing you put in so much hard work and love, I wish I could feel that forever. I think the thing that makes it feel so good is when you make something, it is a piece of you. There is so much detail that comes straight out of who you are and just what you love. I think that is so beautiful. It is so intimate and personal and just filled with love.

Anytime I make something, whether it’s a video, a drawing, this website, taking photos, etc. , I get such a rush of euphoria. And depending on what it is, how personal it is, it can make me feel so giddy for a whole day. For example, when I made that movie/tv compilation video (it is in the Gallery section of this website and under videography!!!! #plug), I stayed up til 5 am. I started it randomly and just went with it. I got the idea out of the song Fine Line and just pictured it in my head and wanted to bring it to life. So, anyways, the next day after I had finished it, I felt so so good. And that doesn’t happen often to me. I was in such high spirits and felt like I could do anything or be anything I wanted to. All from a 4 minute video. That is just a feeling that nobody can take away or replace. I love it more than words can even explain.

One thing that frustrates me when it comes to creativity, is the spark isn’t always there. Especially when you really really want it to be. And sometimes you don’t always finish what you started. But something that helps ease my mind is that everything I have completed, I am very proud of. Even if it literally sucks, I still finished it and that is something worth being proud of.

It is scary to think that maybe one day I won’t be able to feel that anymore. That I won’t get that rush of joy after seeing something through. I hope it never goes away. Because its a pretty damn good feeling.